the second life of marx dudek » relationships

Wisdom from Burroughs

Marx Dudek — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 09:08:25 +0000

If, after having been exposed to someone’s presence, you feel as if you’ve lost a quart of plasma, avoid that presence. You need it like you need pernicious anemia.

We don’t like to hear the word “vampire” around here; we’re trying to improve our public image. Building a kindly, avuncular, benevolent image; “interdependence” is the keyword — “enlightened interdependence”. Life in all its rich variety, take a little, leave a little. However, by the inexorable logistics of the vampiric process they always take more than they leave — and why, indeed, should they take any?

Avoid fuck-ups. Fools, I call them. You all know the type — no matter how good it sounds, everything they have anything to do with turns into a disaster. Trouble for themselves and everyone connected with them. A fool is bad news, and it rubs off — don’t let it rub off on you.

Do not proffer sympathy to the mentally ill; it is a bottomless pit. Tell them firmly, “I am not paid to listen to this drivel — you are a terminal fool!” Otherwise, they make you as crazy as they are.

- William S. Burroughs, from “Words of Advice”

(I can’t believe I typed the name in as “Bukowski” originally. I knew it was Burroughs, and had the recording of this when I was a teenager. Thanks to WSB for pointing it out.)

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Pride Cometh Before a Change in the TOS

Marx Dudek — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 17:48:21 +0000

As much as LL won’t come out and admit it openly, I think it’s safe to say that they appreciate alts.

The good kind, of course. Not ones created to cause grief.

Every time an alt is created, chances are the owner is going to spend money to make that alt look good. Linden Dollars are purchased or transferred, shopping is done, money is spent and earned, and the SL economy chugs along.

As long as people are not violating the Terms of Service or the law – and Linden Lab has the ability to investigate both – they deserve the right to disclose only what they choose to disclose about their alts.

Arguments have been made that certain products designed to circumvent residents’ expectation to privacy against disclosure of personal information by a third party adhere to the letter of the Terms of Service and the Privacy Policy. And it is quite likely that they do.

However, at one time in SL’s history, gambling was not a violation of Second Life’s Terms of Service. Traffic bots and traffic camping were permitted by the TOS. As was banking. As were adult businesses on Mature sims. And who can forget ageplay? Yes, at one point, ageplay between RL adults was acceptable under Second Life’s Terms of Service.

And as each one of these became a potential liability to Linden Lab, each one of these was spelled out as prohibited in the Terms of Service and Community Guidelines. Once prohibited, anyone who continued to use them could find themselves suspended or banned.

And as each one of these became prohibited, those who had been known to make use of them found their inworld reputations damaged to varying degrees.

Products like RedZone are not immune to a change in the Terms of Service – especially if it becomes evident, and indeed it already has, that people have felt themselves and their privacy violated. Alts that don’t log in are alts that don’t buy products, and alts that don’t buy products are Linden Dollars that don’t get purchased. And Linden Dollars that don’t get purchased are income lost for Linden Lab. And if anything matters to Linden Lab, it’s the bottom line.

Don’t think for a minute that Linden Lab won’t cut the makers of alt-detectors off at the knees. Even as they tally their profits and march around, clutching the present TOS as though it was written to protect them and only them, they succeed only in giving the impression that they have indeed pulled one over on the Lab.

It could all change tomorrow. And given past history, it is less a matter of “if” as it is “when”. Of course, this won’t remove alt detectors from the grid – but there’s a big difference between selling your wares openly on Second Life Marketplace, and selling them from inside your trenchcoat – and hoping you don’t get caught.

Alt detectors threaten to hit Linden Lab where it hurts – on the bottom line. And right now, Linden Lab doesn’t want anything hurting their bottom line.

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Looking Back – Part One.

Marx Dudek — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 05:00:09 +0000

Writing about myself is, more often than not, discomfort incarnate. I am my own most difficult subject, which frustrates, as few things consume me more than the desire to be known and genuinely understood. In the interest of letting thoughts flow as freely as possible, I ask you to indulge my stream-of-consciousness as I attempt to provide some insight into the person you know as Marx.

As I look back on three years as a virtual being, and what appealed to me the most about Second Life – the promise of greater self-discovery – I realize that I know about as much about myself as I did when I signed up in December of 2007. I could interpret this as validation that I have been true to myself all along. Either that, or I could interpret it to mean that I’ve spent most of my life hiding behind a mask.

Those who have known me for any period of time know that I spend most of my Second Life in the form of a rabbit. While I make no secret about the fact that I am a “furry” – and I will be more than happy to answer questions or challenge preconceived notions of exactly what that means – my form is truly a metaphor of the one who dwells behind the face … and the whiskers, and the ears. Unlike many SL furs, I enjoy being a human in Second Life as well. I don’t know that I would feel complete being just one or the other, nor do I feel compelled to choose. I will often pick one or the other based on where I am, or what I am doing, or with whom – although I am more likely to feel comfortable being “Marxibun” around other humans than I am being human around other furs. Confronting this fact as I write it out leaves me feeling rather unsettled, actually. I love my human aspect. Why be self-conscious about being human in a furry environment? Am I being discriminatory? Projecting my own insecurities on others? If I’m the same person inside, should it matter? And if someone judges me based on fur – or lack thereof – should I be overly concerned about their opinion?

While growing up, my mother was my greatest influence – a strong woman with a passion for fairness, justice and compassion. She helped define the liberal values that I cling to tenaciously. After my father died, my mother married a dyed-in-the-wool Texan and her worldview took a hard right-turn. Before too long, the views that I embraced were now under constant withering attack by the very parent who had instilled them in me. The change was – and still is – quite a shock to me. The night before I created my Second Life account, there was a particularly unpleasant confrontation between me and my mother over my continued opposition to the War in Iraq. Near the end of our conversation, she declared that I was “a godless Marxist Communist who needs to get on [my] knees and pray to God for forgiveness”. (Did I happen to mention that my mother had moved to a remote area of Texas and relied on Fox News as her window to the outside world? Yeah, that.)

So, click forward one day ahead, and I am being pressed by an online friend of mine from Norway to sign up for Second Life. After dismissing it as something I had already tried earlier that same year and found to be boring, I was asked to give it another chance. Unable to remember the password for the first account I had created, I made a new one. With the previous evening’s argument with my mom still fresh in my mind, I snarkily typed in “Marx” – figuring that this foray into Second Life would be as short-lived as the first one, so it really didn’t matter what name I picked. (I chose Dudek simply because of how it sounded, because it was similar to “Brubeck”, who is one of my favorite jazz musicians. I later discovered that it means “twenty” in Esperanto.) Knowing now what I didn’t know then, would I choose a different name? Not on your life. I love it.

Remembering my first year, I am equally horrified … and proud. I began my virtual life as the biggest tomboy you could imagine! I sported short-cropped hair, an awkward body shape, and an almost militant opposition to makeup. I was also quite stridently an intergendered avatar. My SL look, and body, and mannerisms reflected a longstanding ambivalence toward gender roles – one which followed me from my real life into my virtual one. In Second Life, however, the body I had chosen for myself often left me feeling awkward – particularly at those moments when I disrobed in front of others. (I am not particularly fond of the word “hermaphrodite”, but in the interest of being easily understood, that’s what I was for the first eight months of my Second Life.)

It was during this time that I met the person who has become my partner, my equal, my mate and the habit I have no intention of breaking. She never showed any intention of wanting to change me – she loved me as I was, without hesitation, condition or exception. When I decided to place my virtual self clearly on one side of the Gender Divide, she neither criticized nor celebrated. She continued to do what she had done from almost the moment that we first met.

She accepted me.

Do I regret my decision? That is a difficult question. Expectations of gender can present a burden, especially when you don’t feel as though you belong to one or the other – or worse, when you feel the Battle of the Sexes raging within your own body on a daily basis. Living a gender-neutral life does afford a certain freedom that is lacking in society’s feminine/masculine roles. It does put a strain on me – as Marx – sometimes – but why should it?

That’s a very good question.

(To be continued.)

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Clear Cache, Reboot, Restart

Marx Dudek — Sat, 29 May 2010 04:24:56 +0000

This is a really terrible habit of mine, and one that I have not been able to break, in ten years of writing online.

I am starting my blog over. Again.

The past year and a half in RL was difficult for me. It left my mind in a very unhappy, unsafe and uncomfortable place – a place from which I am only now truly stepping away from. I won’t delve into details. Those who need to know, know. Those who knew, helped me through it. Those who helped me through it have earned a very special place in my heart.

And now, I find myself emerging again. Finding my own limits. Making my own boundaries. Deciding what I’m okay with. Determining to be genuinely true to myself, and to others. Coming out of my shell – a little at a time, perhaps, but making slow and steady progress.

In SL, I am happily partnered to a very caring, very sincere, very loving individual. Someone I have had the wonderful good fortune to have flown across the Atlantic to meet in person. Someone who has become an integral part of my every morning, and an essential part of my weekends. Someone I cannot imagine having to do without.

In RL, I am now single for 18 months. Healing. Hiding. Surviving. Deciding whether a life in the company of another is preferable to a life of solitude. Not particularly rushed to find an answer to the question.

In SL, I am trying to find myself again, to reclaim myself and rediscover the wonder of self-exploration that made Second Life such a wonderful experience to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if that’s possible. Part of the magic was the newness of the experience, the ability to immerse myself fully in a world where it seemed anything was possible. I still want to believe in that.

I realize that baring my soul in a public forum places me at risk of ridicule. In a world where names and faces can be as real, or as unreal, as the names and faces behind them, our virtual life can be as honest or as dishonest as we will it to be – and indeed, the virtual lives of those around us. So few of us in Second Life share our RL identity to more than a handful of people – that “hiding in plain sight” often makes a person hyper-sincere. Sometimes that hyper-sincerity manifests itself in intense malice, mockery or bullying. A good friend of mine wisely said, “Second Life is not a utopia – it’s not because there are people in it.” No matter how perfect any locale may be, no matter how far we run away to get there, that part of us which we desperately seek to run away from catches up with us. Some even bring it with them willingly. So the glitch that is greater than any server malfunction, greater than any asset crash – is that of simple human nature. Be it the tendency to share too much, or not to share enough – or to point the finger and laugh at the one caught in a moment of vulnerability, or embarrassment, or anxiety, or shame. We have seen the enemy, and it is us.

And yet we live in a world where the broadcasting of every minute detail of our lives has become the norm. The concept of privacy seems almost alien, as Facebook does what the CIA and KGB could only have dreamed of accomplishing – convincing people to hand over not only their papers, but their receipts, their whereabouts, even the key to their diary – all willingly and with a smile. Our accomplishments and our failures are on display for the world to see. It seems almost trivial that walking around without clothes is still indecent – we have never been more naked as a society than we are right now.

So, even as I buck against the trend of RL full-disclosure, I seek to share my experiences as a virtual being. In doing so, I realize I am sharing even more of myself than I would if I were pouring this all into a first-life LiveJournal. I am rather disappointed that I did not maintain a continued and unbroken written record of my two and a half years of virtuality. I can, however, try to start now.

Hello. My name is Marx Dudek. And, inspiration willing … this is my life.

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